


Due South and the Grinch Who Stole Christmas

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Christmas, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-05-23
Updated: 1999-05-23
Packaged: 2018-11-10 16:08:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11130183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived atDue South Archive. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address onDue South Archive collection profile.





	Due South and the Grinch Who Stole Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

Due South/Grinch
    
    
     
    
    # DUE SOUTH and THE GRINCH WHO STOLE CHRISTMAS
    
    
    Story begins on Christmas morning.  The sleepy denizens of Who-ville
    awake to carnage of yuletide larceny that has struck their Seussian-world.
    
    While the early risers are just starting to comprehend the situation,
    the sounds of a motor vehicle could be heard on the outskirts of their
    town. Shortly a green Buick Riviera is seen cruising into to town, running
    a stop sign ("That was a 'stop-on-pop' sign, Ray," chastisingly spoken
    from Frasier), and stopping at the Who-ville "Oh, the Places You Will
    Go" 23 & 5/8ths Hour-a- Day Convenience Store.  Frasier, Ray, and Diefenbaker
    enter the store to stock up on provisions for the rest of their drive
    back to Chicago.
    
    As they were the only customers, Ray's constant complaining was the only
    sound resonating in the store.  << develop your own dialogue , possibly
    something about how on earth he let Frasier talk him into going to Minneapolis
    to chase down a car thief, especially right before Christmas, only to
    get snowed in, and now will in all likelihood miss his mother's infamous
    Christmas lasagna since his "un-named brother from the bath tub" will
    undoubtedly scarf seconds and thirds in Ray's absence, etc., etc., etc.
    >>  Frasier slowly raises his hand, which brings the chatter to a stop,
    and asks  Ray as to if he noticed the Christmas music.  Ray says that
    he doesn't hear anything. "Exactly," says Frasier.  He then begins to
    query Ray on the apparent absence of certain air in store - a lack of
    the Christmas Spirit.  Mighty peculiar in a place of commerce considering
    the season.   Rays says, "I don't know. Maybe they're Jewish." But Frasier
    also points out the lack of decorations and music throughout the Who-ville
    downtown and residential areas.  "Maybe the whole town is Jewish!" Ray
    cries out in frustration knowing that this is certainly leading them
    on to another little Mounted adventure and dissipating any chances he
    might have had at claiming his lasagna.  And as quickly as the price
    of a replacement rear window for a Buick Riviera goes up, Frasier disputes
    this because of the number of pig farms on the edge of town and the size
    of the Who-ville sausage and bacon plant that they had passed - which
    undoubtedly would employ a great many of the citizenry.
    
    After a discussion with the convenience store clerk (who just so happened
    to be Jewish - Jew-Who - but the only one in town), Frasier learned of
    the caper which had befallen this tiny town on Christmas Eve.  Leaving
    the store, the three travellers happened to pass the town square where
    they saw a gathering of Who's-its, joined hand-in-hand in a circle. 
    Frasier begs Ray to stop. Ray immediately initiated an endless chant
    of "no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,"
    when the Buick Riviera came to a screech as a result of Diefenbaker's
    loud bark.  Frasier, knowing that Dief couldn't have heard Ray and thus
    been reacting out of sheer annoyance, looked out the front window and
    saw a little girl standing in the middle of the road - the Riv's grille
    mere inches from the girl's head.  All leap out to make sure she is okay.
    Ray is furious! And just as he is about to unload his anger on the girl,
    she looks up - with those wide-Who-eyes - and asks if he is Santa?  Ray
    just looks at her - then looking at Frasier, says "Let's get this guy."
    
    Unbeknownst to Frasier, Ray was briefly reminded of a Christmas long
    ago when his father had spent all the Christmas money on booze and gambling
    and his unnamed brother from the bath tub and sisters (Maria and Francesca)
    had cried and cried on Christmas morning.  Ray asks the girl her name.
    "Cindy-Lou Who," she replies.
    
    Ray begins to canvass the Whos at the town center asking if anyone saw
    anything at all, heard anything, anything?  Meanwhile Frasier and Diefenbaker
    begin to examine the evidence left behind.  While the sled marks left
    in the snow atop the Who houses would suggest an errant Santa Sled, it
    was the singular set of tracks pulling the sled which garnered his attention.
    While examining another roof, he reaches down and picks up something.
    "Canine - definitely domestic," Benton announces.  Dief looks at him
    and thinks, you keep putting dog piddle in your mouth and you're going
    to end up with pinworms.  Frasier looks at Dief who is looking and him
    and he asks, "What?"  With reindeer out of the picture, Frasier begins
    to contemplate on more concrete modus operandi.
    
    Benton and Dief wander about and both pick up a trail at the same time,
    Dief by smell - Frasier by the trail of packages leading up a promontory
    overlook- ing Who-ville.  Both follow the trail up to a cave where they
    can hear the boastful voice (well okay, only Frasier can hear it) of
    a dweller inside. As they creep towards the voice's originator, Frasier
    notices the signs which further assures him that this is the lair of
    the Kris Kringle Krook: a ladened sled, decorations piled in a corner,
    Santa suit littering the floor, a slobber- ing, tail wagging dog with
    a stupid look on its face, .... whoops.  Frasier freezes hoping not to
    alarm the dog which has already begun to intently stare at him.  Dief
    starts to come into the room despite Frasier's body language attempts
    at warding him back.  The other dog, upon seeing Dief perks up and runs
    over to the wolf's rear to practice that most obligatory of canine behaviors
    (which would apparently be enjoyable to this dog since it undoubted-
    ly receives few visitors at this altitude except occasionally at a passing
    Yeti or something).  Dief backed away, reluctant as to the correct procedure
    for sniffing a two-dimensional butt and out of fear that the cartooning
    ink may not yet be dry and leaving him susceptible to embarrassing stains
    on his own pelt.  Frasier decided that the owner of the dog, in addition
    to being callous for stealing Christmas from the Whos, must abuse this
    dog - for in spite of Dief's brush off at a greeting, the dog acted as
    if they were hitting it off famously.
    
    Determining that the dog was not a threat, Frasier proceeded towards
    the main room in the cave where the villain was regaling in his exploits.
    Because of this self confession, Frasier was satisfied that he was dealing
    with a single perpetrator and had no fear of being surprised by other
    accomplices.  Frasier steps into the doorway and the Grinch notices a
    long, Mountie-shaped shadow running along his wall.  The Grinch's shriek
    confirms Frasier's presence. 
    
    << Okay, dialogue part.  Blah, blah, blah.  Frasier recanting a tale
    of the 
       Inuit Grinch who stole all the pemmican and polenta right before a
    big 
       celebration and all the other village Inuits died.  THe Grinch asks
    
       Frasier, "Yeah, so what's so bad about that?"  Benton then tells him
    
       how he was so lonely, and being a Grinch with a life span of over
    200 
       years (or until the copyright remains in effect), that he was lonely
    
       for a long, long, long time." The Grinch began to become introspective
    
       and remorseful.  Frasier promises to speak in his behalf at the Who
    
       Trial if he promises to return all the items and treat his dog kindly.
    
       THe Grinch readily agreed (more on the basis that he really needs
    to 
       get back to work and work on his thesis rather than that "his heart
    grew 
       how-ever many times" at hearing the Whos-sing-despite-having-no-material-
    
       artifacts-of-Christmas-to-celbrate-with crap that Dr. Theodore Geisel
    
       professed).
    
    Back in Who-ville, Ray was distracted from his torture of having to stand
    in a circle at Cindy-Lou Who's insistence, singing "Hoo ray, hoo rah.
    Hoo ray hoo rah," and wondering what the correct procedure for holding
    hands with a two- dimensional "person" is and if the cartoon paint was
    dry as to avoid getting any embarrassing stains on his Italian silk shirt,
    for on the horizon he could see a ladened sleigh barreling down the nearby
    mountain with a dog and wolf riding atop and two men in red suits - a
    Mountie and an anorexic, furry green Santa.
    
    THe Whos insisted that Ray, Frasier, and Dief stay and enjoy their large
    Christmas dinner banquet.  Seeing any hopes of making it to Chicago before
    nightfall dashed away (dash away, dash away all), Ray reluctantly agreed
    to stay (everyone realizing it was Cindy-Lou Who's asking that sealed
    it).  Every- one was enjoying the festivities feeling joy to the world,
    but none so much as Ray as when a couple of Whos laid a whopping dish
    of Christmas lasagna before him.
    
    The end.  "Who, Who, Who.  Merry Christmas!"
    
         -dale.
    


End file.
